The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
