dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
are you wasted or are you getting laid?
ebdebdebdebd
wow
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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