69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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