i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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