Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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