Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize
