So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
