I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
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