That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Randomize
