New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
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