How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Randomize
