wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
Randomize
