Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
You pole danced in your parka.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
