Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Randomize