They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
Randomize
