I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
Randomize
