I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
As shirtless as possible
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Randomize
