I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
