I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
