My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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