he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
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