Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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