thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Randomize
