It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Randomize
