my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
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