God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Randomize
