You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
Randomize
