So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
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