he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
