3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
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