Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize