My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
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