Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
