I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
