His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
