I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
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