You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
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