508, what difference does it make? You were alone, anyway.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
