There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
