Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
Randomize
