Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Randomize
