I painted my nails silver
And what are the implications of that?
Is there supposed to be a msg in that? Just thought ud like to know it looks like I fingerbanged an alien
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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