Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
