i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
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