the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
Randomize
