Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize
