I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
