I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
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