i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
