as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
