these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
I just gift wrapped bread.
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
