Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize