pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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