i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
