Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
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