Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
