she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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