Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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