I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
