If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Randomize
