I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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