oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
