hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
