You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize